New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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