k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
