the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize