From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
