Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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