Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
