Dude my mom stole all your condoms
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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