Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
