Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
