i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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