well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
