I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
