seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
