Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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