You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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