At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
