I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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