I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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