I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
