My sheets look like a crime scene.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
