Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
