My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
