My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I enjoy the company of your penis
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
