I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
