Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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