her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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