At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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