guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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