I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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