Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
