Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
