i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
