I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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