well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
