don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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