i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize