someone owes me an orgasm
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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