Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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