You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
