just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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