she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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