i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
