My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
