You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
