I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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