Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
