I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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