I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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