I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
