My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Randomize
