3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
