You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
