drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
