Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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