Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
