Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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