Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
