Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
