My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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