Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
