i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have feelings that need drinking.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
