Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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