She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
