You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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