i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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