Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
