just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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