in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
