This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
