9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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